As we’ve navigated our parenting journey these past 2 years, I’ve noticed how perceived gender norms and misunderstandings around what my husband and I do have evolved. The care and tenderness I experienced while pregnant is a little different than the critical looks I get now that we have a 16-month-old. But what fascinates me most is the way people treat me vs. how they treat my husband, Braden.
I knew there were differences in how moms and dads are treated. Braden often gets praised for being such a great “babysitter” when he’s at the grocery store with Harper (as our daughter’s primary caregiver), while no one bats an eye when I’m running errands alone with the baby, which is actually less common for me these days.
But the complete opposite was true while I was pregnant. Strangers were so attentive:
“Do you need help loading your car, ma’am?”
“You’re absolutely glowing!”
“Please ma’am, take my seat!”
Pregnancy felt miserable, but I was treated like royalty by people I didn’t even know… until I actually had the baby.
But the difference in how people speak to Braden versus me as performers who are also parents? That’s a whole other level. Our path as theatre artists is already unconventional by society’s standards: we got married in our twenties, we don’t live in NYC, and we have a child. And apparently, that combination blows people’s minds.
Here are some of the things we’ve actually been asked — and why they say a lot more about society’s expectations than they do about us.
1. To My Husband: “Was the baby on purpose?”
This is a question I’ve never heard. But Braden has been asked on more than 3 occasions. Let’s unpack that.
First of all — bold.
And always only to him. When I’m not present.
And they always say it before they learn about our miscarriage. The question then opens up a weird conversation that I’m glad I don’t have to be a part of because, well, no one says this to me.
But poor Braden feeling the discomfort of deciding whether or not to explain the months of trying that led to a miscarriage and the grieving before trying again that are quickly diminished by people who couldn’t imagine someone wanting to start a family at our age as performers.
The decision was purposeful and frankly, no one’s business.
2. To my Husband: “Do you work?”
To Me: “Who’s watching Harper while you’re at work?”
This one really made me see how deeply ingrained traditional gender roles still are. Even the most progressive folks often default to thinking Braden should be the breadwinner while I stay home 24/7.
In reality? Braden is Harper’s primary caregiver. Acting isn’t usually a 9–5, so in between gigs, he’s a full-time stay-at-home dad. Our life doesn’t follow a template and that’s okay.
3. To Me: “It’s so nice you support him so he can follow his passion!”
To Him: “You’re such a supportive dad!”
When I got pregnant, it was like the world assumed I’d traded in all my dreams for motherhood — while Braden, apparently, just leveled up in the “supportive partner” department. Braden has his own journey into parenthood and dreams and passions outside of parenthood. Just like me!
I’m the one with the day job in marketing, which seems to confuse people even more when I’m at the office: “Wait… who’s with Harper?”
Well intentioned people seem to forget that Dads are parents, too.
We both have dreams. We both support each other.
4. To Me: “Do you think you’ll get back into performing?”
To Him: “What’s next for you!?”
This one’s honestly funny. I was in final callbacks at 15 weeks pregnant, performed in a show at 20 weeks, and went back to auditioning 4 months postpartum — pumping on the way to the audition. I never took an audition season off. What does “get back into” it mean when I never left? The actor’s job is to audition, not to book. Booking is infrequent.
And I’m not the same person I was at 18, desperately hoping someone would give me a shot. Now, I give myself the chance to build a creative life that works for me. It may look different than I imagined back then, but I’m proud of it.
Being in a two-artist household with a baby isn’t easy — but it is possible. And beautiful. And chaotic. And funny. But mostly, it’s ours. No one else’s. I share all this because when I was trying to get pregnant, I felt so alone. I didn’t see anyone living a life like ours, two young actors without a ton of resources or Broadway credits, making it work.
So I decided to show up and share what this life really looks like. It’s not perfect. But it’s real. And it’s special.
XOXO,
Texas Jess
Jessica Tanner 
Leave a comment