23 year old me in NYC thought she’d never see the day when…
I didn’t wake up before sunrise to line up outside a locked studio building with only a puffer coat, protein bar, and a dream. I didn’t scramble to sign an unofficial list and cross my fingers for a number low enough to get me seen. I didn’t lose my MetroCard in a haze of audition jitters. And guess what?
There’s a chance that nobody will have to. (If you haven’t read my original blog about non-union unofficial lists, you can get some context here. This is from my experience 6 years ago and apparently, it’s only been getting worse)
If you would’ve told 2019 Texas Jess—bundled up and crying over Audition Update after trekking across Midtown just to not sing for anyone—that there would come a day when unofficial lists were abolished and equity rules made space for fairness, and actual sleep, she probably would’ve laughed through her tears and said, “Yeah, and I’ll probably have a baby before I get to be on Broadway…” 🙃
Well sorry, Jess. Only some of that is true! Actor’s Equity hasn’t made an official statement, other than through a monitor at an open call last week claiming, “The unofficial list has officially become a thing of the past!” … Unofficially, I guess.
Honestly, I was more impressed with the proposed digital sign-up idea from the NUU List. I know it wasn’t a perfect plan, but people will still create a new cutthroat standard for people to wait outside of the audition buildings WAYY too early making it unsafe for everyone. But seeing this minimal change in the standards now has reinforced why I haven’t stepped away from the industry, but I’ve simply put myself first.
When I wrote that blog about the heartbreak not being seen, I was still trying to prove something. That I was working hard. That I was worthy of being seen. That I was hustling for a chance to share my voice and let someone know I had something to say.
Fast forward to now: I’m a mom, I’m married, I’m still an artist—and I am no longer willing to martyr myself for 16 bars and a polite, “Thank you.”
The post-pandemic theatre world, for all its chaos and change, has actually brought actors to face what’s important to them. What am I willing to give up for a chance to “be seen?” My safety? My health?
Motherhood finally gave me the push to realize, it’s a luxury to audition “just to be seen.” My time, energy, and creative bandwidth are precious—and they deserve to be treated that way. And that’s the same for anyone. Not just parents. It’s about time non-union actors be treated with some dignity before they make the decision to join the union.
My Dreams Look Different—But They’re Still Mine
Back in 2019, I was just beginning to say my dreams out loud. I was terrified of seeming “too much” or of claiming Broadway-size aspirations in a world that didn’t promise anything in return.
But becoming a mother has made me braver.
There’s something about a rigid toddler nighttime routine, working a full-time job, squeezing in creative work after bedtime, and still showing up to sing, write, and audition—that makes you realize: I don’t need anyone’s permission to be here.
My dreams have evolved. They’re less about fitting into someone else’s season casting breakdown and more about creating space for myself, telling the truth about motherhood, artistry, burnout, and the in between. I don’t hustle for scraps of visibility anymore. I have the power to build platforms and create rooms. Sometimes, literally, in my bedroom—while my daughter sleeps on the other side of the wall.
The grind is only worth it if it’s sustainable. Your health and wellbeing are more important than any career.
Here’s to showing up when we want to. To saying yes only when it serves our actual dream. To taking up space unapologetically, even if that space is your own YouTube channel instead of a Broadway stage. It’s a new time and we must evolve and move forward.
And here’s to the next season of dreaming and cheering you on!
XOXO,
Texas Jess
Jessica Tanner 
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