WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME?

Originally posted August 27, 2020

You have to stop in order to evaluate the past. A lot of perspective has been put into place during these unprecedented times. And I’ve had lots of time to look back on how I’ve really grown as an artist. If we don’t evaluate it, it’s easy to think that you just got here by happenstance or it has been easer than it has… It’s especially difficult to see your own growth when most of the growth has been small things that have compounded over time within yourself. It’s confidence and prowess, it’s my voice, it’s the way I feel in my body… it’s small things that can ONLY be calculated after the fact.

I’ve recently spent some time watching old videos of me performing in my first years of college, which during the time, was my least favorite. I hated performing in class my first 3 years of college, honestly. And I had a lot of teachers and mentors trying to figure out why that was. They would claim things about me, like, that I didn’t really like a specific kind of music and that’s why I couldn’t sing it right, or that I was more of a contemporary dancer so that’s why ballet wasn’t my place or that classical Musical Theatre wasn’t going to be for me and I could find another area that suited me more. And at 18/19 years old, I believed what they told me. Making excuses for me before I could even figure out who I was, what my voice was or how I felt in my body made me feel stuck in excuses instead of feeling like I could grow out of them. When I didn’t understand why I couldn’t excel in a certain area I would just chalk it up too, “Well, they said it’s because of that— so that MUST be why!” Even though I sing golden age legit songs in the shower, I must just, not like the music and that’s why I’m not singing “legit” enough! Anything a teacher loosely assumed about me, I usually reaffirmed because I was so desparately searching for who I was as an artist that anyone could say anything and I’d believe it. This was true about almost everything. However I defined myself in high school was swept away and changed into how I was defined by my teachers and peers. It made performing in front of them difficult because it meant that I either had to meet their expectation or blow past it.

Watching videos of this happening in hindsight is both excruciating and refreshing. Excruciating because I watch myself try to make my voice into something that wasn’t my own because my own wasn’t “correct” or try to make my body appear lesser than because I felt like who I was in my body was too much, too big, not right, not like so-and-so’s… Just scared… Small. Refreshing because it’s a version of me that led me to who I am now nonetheless. It’s painful to watch the lack of confidence when you can hear and see how close you are to the precipice of greatness! And I can’t wait to look back and feel that way about my performances more recently! Constantly gaining more trust in my inner voice, my inner prowess and who I am outside of everything else. I’m inching towards it day by day. Things I was proud of 5 years ago feel small and silly now, but necessary to build my confidence to make greater things. Proving to myself that I am bigger than the previous label I burdened myself with is the key to gaining that prowess. It’s not always intentional, but it always happens!

So much of developing as an artist is internal work which takes passion, drive and structure to hold yourself accountable to do. It’s easier within a community, but the truth is, no one can make you do it. You can empower yourself with knowledge about your craft and your industry, but if you can’t face your inner critic without cowering down — then all you have is knowledge. It’s how you wield it. It takes practice and it takes community to give you the space to practice. This has been a constant in my head while in NYC and especially now.

In NYC, I would constantly be asking myself, “how am I holding myself accountable to my growth as an artist?” Whether that was committing to take a class a month, schedule to go to auditions with friends and plan on treating myself with a coffee or treat if I went or taking a new dance class that felt out of my comfort zone, I had to give myself a sense of structure. If you KNOW me, then you know I’m BIG into planning. I’m pretty sure, all of my first year exercises in college involved my planner. It’s a strange fixation, but it has also held me accountable whenever my inner critic got in the way or I didn’t have a community to support me.

September 1st I am starting a coaching challenge that I’d encourage you to join if you are a performing artist looking for encouragement, structure and inspiration during this time! I know that I’ve been looking for something like that. So, I created it. I’ve been seeing a lot of people and business attempting to capitalize on offering performers to work on their skills and coach them so they can come back better than ever when theatre is back… But what do I do right now? How do I stay motivated when the industry that comes back may look totally different than it did before? How do I stay enriched in my artistry in the meantime? I’m hoping my September challenge will help answer those questions. The challenge will include email activity options that are curated to inspire structure for your artistry as well as weekly group texts with other participants to share what we’re learning and to create a community of encouragement. I will also be offering one-on-one coaching for participants of the challenge a few weeks into it. One-on-one coaching sounds intimidating, but it’s really a chance to chat with me about your goals! This will be a month long offering that I hope can expand into something bigger. You can fill out a form here if you are interested in this coaching challenge! This is COMPLETELY free and I’d love for people to join and offer some feedback about the experience so I can further develop my coaching skills. My goal is to not be the one to tell you who you are but to guide you into telling yourself. I am grateful for all of my mentors and all they have taught me, but this is a perfect time to take space and listen to your own instincts as an artist to tell yourself who you are before anyone else does. This has been something that has been on my heart for awhile and I’m so excited to be taking the next step towards coaching. So much of what I’m sharing in this challenge is personal work that I have done and found invaluable in discovering my true voice and I look forward to sharing that experience.

XOXO,

Texas Jess

P.S. – I’m reaching the end of my YouTube series Nothing to Lose and if you haven’t been keeping up, I’m planning on doing an Instagram Live talkback about my “why” and what I’ve learned from it. It’s been a special project for me for so many reasons and I’ve loved getting feedback on it from everyone. I can’t wait to share about it with everyone! I’ll be posting about that talkback live soon… but now, GO CATCH UP ON NOTHING TO LOSE!!