“They’re Not Seeing Non-Equity Today” 2.0

Originally posted on October 18, 2019

Oops, I did it again! I woke up before the butt crack of dawn to ride a train into midtown to wait outside for an hour in the cold to sign up for 2 auditions that both teased that they might possibly let me sing them a little song and then around 2pm find out that I will only be singing for my shower head today…

I begin this post with a much more negative tone because I was not feeling as much gratitude and joy as I did the last ECC I attended. ECC stands for Equity Chorus Call. It’s the only Equity call that EMC (Equity Membership Candidates) and non-equity performers are on the same playing field. EMC get to be seen before non-Equity performers at EPAs or Equity Principal Auditions. I mentioned in my last post that I wasn’t sure if it was easier for me to accept that I wasn’t going to be seen because I was snuggled in bed and not actually looking the audition monitor in the face or not… but yesterday confirmed that it is much easier to accept that fate from the comfort of your PJs at home.

Day started smooth. I woke up at 4am, not as enthusiastic last time, but still enough energy to pack some snacks and bundle up (it just so happened to be the windiest day in NYC since I’d moved and I had to wait outside the building until it opened at 6:30). But there was an audition starting at 10am for one show and 2pm for another and they were both in the same building so I thought… 50/50 shot? Right? Sort of…

I was pretty naive about these auditions. One was for Mean Girls and the other was for Diana (the new Princess Diana musical coming to Broadway in the Spring) … Honestly, neither of these shows are quite right for me and I don’t think either were really looking for replacements who were non-equity but I wanted to prove that I was hustling. I wanted to get a chance. Someone on Audition Update said, “There were 63 people lined up outside the building at 4:03am” I thought there was no way that was the truth… I showed up at 5:20am and there were… maybe 30 people in line? What kind of cruel joke. Trust NO ONE! The Audition Update tool is AMAZING but not 100% to accuracy. The building generously opened up at 6:10am instead of the scheduled 6:30am and I was #18 on the non-equity list for Mean Girls and #8 on the Diana list. I was feeling good and headed home confident. I went home and slept for 45 minutes then started getting ready for the 10am call. I was ready to leave and I did the normal checklist in my head. Phone, keys, wallet, Metrocard. Metrocard. Where on Earth is my Metrocard? I couldn’t find it anywhere. Not in the usual place I put it or in the coat pocket that I remembered putting it in. After a frantic search making me 20 minutes later than I wanted to be, I went ahead to the train station without a Metrocard and paid for a card with just a few rides just in case my 30-day Unlimited Card showed up in my room somewhere and isn’t making someone on the streets of NYC very happy for the next 2 weeks… A minor inconvenience, but I’m at the studio at 10am and ready to kill it.

So, dressed in my effortlessly perfect audition attire, I spoke to the monitor at Mean Girls at 10:05am and to my dismay he said, “They’re not seeing non-equity today.” That hit harder than expected. The Diana call was seeing men at 10am then Women at 2pm. My friend Jace was waiting at the men’s call and I got an excited text from him that said, “They are seeing non-Equity today!” *Insert sigh of relief here* It wasn’t all for nothing. It was going to happen. So, I sat in the Holding Room with Jace to see how long it took him to be seen and cheer him on! He was #9 on the non-equity list and was seen before noon! EXCITING! I was starving and went home to cook and then come back around 3pm to see how far into Equity women they were. And for some reason I got off the train at a weird end of the station and walked about 10 minutes out of my way on accident. (I’ve been in NYC for only a little over 2 months… I’m still allowed to get lost, I think…) It was cold and windy and I was a little more hopeful because Diana was seeing non-equity men, but for some reason, I was not feeling happy and confident. I was overwhelmed.

I’ve been thinking about my last blog about my first audition and not getting seen… And I’m afraid I’m being too “Sunshine and Roses” when I talk about how auditions are going. I am not dismissing what I wrote in that blog. I meant every word when I wrote it. But this process is hard and heartbreaking. I don’t want to sugarcoat my experience for people just for them to feel like they are living vicariously thatI am having a perfect and exclusively uphill experience to stardom because that is far from reality.

I was hungry, I’d lost my Metrocard and I’d gotten very little sleep in hopes to have someone hear me sing 16-bars. I wasn’t feeling the joy and gratitude. On my long walk home after losing my sense of direction, I got a text from Jace that read, “Have an amazing first ECC!! I’m so excited for you and so grateful to have you with me on this crazy journey! Thanks for sticking with the constant grind and being so encouraging and awesome all the time. Go blow them away! <3”

I immediately started crying. I didn’t even respond. I didn’t feel like I was being awesome or encouraging. This sucked and it’s cold. This is the off-season. The real audition season starts in JANUARY…. IN JANUARY. Do you know how cold and windy it’s going to be in January?! I was angry at myself for having a terrible attitude. I’d previously fallen into the trap of “Toxic Positivity” and just ignored how hard and frustrating the process is. I just told myself to be grateful and happy that I was getting an opportunity to try… and now the emotions were forced to escape. Those sentiments are still very valid and I still feel grateful to be here trying. But I was hit with a wave of disappointment.

I finally got home and composed myself enough to meditatively cook and eat until it was time to go back again. I touched up my lipstick and checked Audition Update and my stomach dropped.

“They aren’t seeing non-eq. They are accepting drop-offs.”

Are you kidding me? I sat back down at my kitchen table and frantically responded to this person asking for someone else to respond in the forum to confirm this. I was refreshing the page every 2 minutes hoping it wasn’t real, but I knew it was. At this point, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I felt so helpless. I was hoping with everything I had that this comment was similar to the one from this morning that said there were 63 people waiting in line at 4am. A farce. But about 20 minutes later, I got a response on the forum confirming that they were only accepting headshot drop-offs from female non-equity performers.

*Queue up self-indulgent mourning session*

I immediately scrubbed off my makeup and hopped in the shower and sobbed. Then I sang all the songs I wanted to sing at my auditions today at the top of my lungs. (Take THAT whoever is teaching every opera singer in NYC lessons in the apartment next to me at strange hours!!!) Then I sobbed some more, but I had a realization while singing one of my songs…

“I’m Not Waiting” by Andrew Lippa. The song has sort of been my anthem for my move to NYC. I’ve blogged about it previously (read that blog here) but it made me rethink what I’ve been doing and expecting from this process. What happens when I am seen at an ECC? They hear me sing. They say, “Thank you!” They take my resume and I never hear from them again? Is THAT really going to be the shining moment for me? I was putting a lot of pressure on something that even with the best outcome could mean nothing. So, I re-framed my situation.

What can I do for myself to create my own platform to be creatively enriched?

I created a Fall Vision board right around the time I wrote my “Claim Your Dreams!” blog. There are very few things left on the vision board that I have not manifested yet. Which is actually pretty awesome and maybe something I should blog about sometime… But one of the things on there that I’ve been wanting to create but haven’t found the right time or content was starting a YouTube channel. During my shower-sob-sing, it hit me like a ton of bricks. THAT’S HOW YOU CONTROL YOUR CREATIVE CONTENT. NOW IS THE TIME.

I’ve been very satisfied with this blog and how it is helping me log my growth on this CrAzY journey in NYC so far, but I need another platform that lets me raise my voice, more literally. I’m still unsure about what exactly starting a YouTube channel means for me. And honestly, it still feels silly to admit I want to do that but I’M SPEAKING IT OUT! I’m not a victim to my circumstances. I may not be an Equity actress yet strolling in at whatever time to the call with 8 hours of sleep and Starbucks in hand, and I may not have the opportunity to perform the way I’ve been dreaming just yet, but I’m going to find a way.

P.S. — October is an exciting month despite my negative attitude! My cousin got married and I got to be there and celebrate with family! Being with family always refreshes me so I was very thankful for that time even though it was a less than 24-hour turnaround.

My parents and baby brother (he’s 16 but my youngest brother so, yes, baby!) are coming into town tomorrow to see me (and attend a conference but HELLO, mostly to see me) and they will be here to see my New York City Performance Debut on the 22nd that I am very excited about!!!

AND— I am turning 23 this Halloween! Woohoo!! (Send gifts plz I’m fabulous!)

XOXO,

Texas Jess