The Not So Hard and Fast 2/2/2 Rule

Originally posted November 20, 2022

Braden and I decided to start implementing the 2/2/2 rule this year. Which just means that we want to go on a date every 2 weeks, a weekend trip every 2 months and a week-long trip every 2 years. The idea is to make sure we plan intentional time together instead of just calling every time we’re hanging out in the same room together a date. We decided January was our weekend getaway month, even though we don’t have weekend getaway funds… So, we staged a little weekend staycation. We planned our meals, outfits, activities and set and itinerary to really make it feel like it was set “date time” and it was lovely. This past weekend was the only weekend option we had open this month because Braden has booked another show! He’s the understudy for Jamie in The Last Five Years at TexArts in Lakeway!! He performs February 23rd. His first rehearsal was on Monday and I just so happened to have an audition on Sunday night so we needed a little weekend to be together and decompress before we embarked on our separate theatrical endeavors. I felt good about my audition on Sunday night and was anxious about my dance call on Monday night. I’m a few steps above a “storytelling mover” at best, but I have a BFA in Music Theatre! I know how to navigate a dance call! And you know what? It was a lot of fun. I felt confident and that’s a feat in itself!

The callback list came back sooner than I anticipated and my name was no where to be found on it.

Now, the thing with theatre is… it’s almost NEVER personal, but it ALWAYS feels personal. That’s maybe just with art in general though. How am I supposed to not take it personally? It’s my talent and how I present it, that feels very persona!. It never gets easier. And of course, it’s really difficult watching my epically talented husband book every job he breathes towards. I’m so proud and excited for him and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want to celebrate him when I’m mourning for me. This loss hits especially hard though.

I found out I was pregnant right after Braden and I had both been cast in a Theatre For Young Audiences production and around that time we were both filming our submissions for The Last Five Years. Yes, I auditioned for that job too. Sometime while preparing to film, I just started crying, “Why am I even auditioning for this? I won’t be able to even do the show! I’m pregnant!” Braden reassured me to just try and I auditioned anyway. A tape I was very confident in submitting, too. About a week after I found out I lost the pregnancy, Braden got the call offering him the gig. I knew they’d already cast the other roles and my heart just sank. Well, my concern was that I couldn’t do the show because I was pregnant… but then I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t book it anyway. I knew that he knew my heart was hurting, but I just wanted to celebrate him. I was pretty sick of being sad. I still am.

Now, the audition I had on Sunday… I had a special attachment to this show. I know the material very well. I’ve done quite a few callbacks at theaters for this specific role and just hadn’t booked it yet and voiced the role for a marionette puppet in a version of this show in college IYKYK! I was excited for this audition. I was even MORE excited for this audition once I found out I was pregnant. I created this fantasy in my mind about how amazing it would feel to perform the role while pregnant and was so excited to hopefully show the production team how much that would elevate the world of the show. I imagined this really empowering moment and created this dream along with many other dreams that I lost along with the baby. After that, I really had to decide if I still wanted to do this audition. I decided that I did. It made me want it even more but made me more anxious to audition. I’d pictured myself being big, powerful, pregnant and the obvious choice for the role but would unpregnant me be enough?

I’ve done enough theatre to know that it’s hard to ever understand and casting a show is about putting together puzzle pieces to a puzzle that you lost the box lid to sometimes. And just as the key to marriage isn’t the 2/2/2 rule, there aren’t always hard and fast rules to booking every gig and never feeling disappointment. Disappointment is a part of life even if it’s difficult to sit with. Because I AM a bit of a drama queen, my immediate reaction to not booking was “I’m never putting myself through this again”… (I had a very similar reaction to the miscarriage) But unfortunately, there is nothing I love to do more than performing. Opportunities are everywhere even if they feel like there’s a million miles of space between them. After the past few months I’ve been having, I’m proud of my audition and mustering up the courage to even show up. I’m so excited for the cast of the show and I’m of course looking forward to my next opportunity.