Originally posted January 17, 2020
The beginning of 2020 has been a whirlwind. Quick update, I moved apartments and I’m really liking my new place but I’m definitely still not completely settled in. Work stuff has been hectic. Hours are getting cut and seasonal employees are being let go… I foresee them not needing me after February 5th… I luckily have a new job that I’ve just started too that is going to work well with audition season, as well as keep my income going if my retail position falls through soon.
I’ve written and re-written this blog so may times because it has either come off as a big downer or super fake without any real substance. It’s been hard to write. Januarys always seems to be a difficult month for me. I used to think it was because of the super cold weather and gloomy skies, but after having a full weekend this month in the 50s and 60s… I’m starting to think maybe it’s all in my head.
I’m trying to find auditions to go to because there seem to be a ton. But nothing so far is going how I expected it to. I’m passing my 6 month mark in New York City and I don’t feel like I’ve made any new, real friends or created opportunities that are leading me to anything yet and maybe I’m expecting too much. I probably am. I feel like 6 months is forever but also no time at all and have no concept of what my life is supposed to be looking like right now and that’s because it’s not SUPPOSED to look like anything.
I’m looking at all the auditions that are coming up and I’m either discouraged by the season or the companies lack of interest in any non-union performers. I meet people who aren’t much older than me that put on the facade that they are booking like CrAzY and for a moment, I buy into that being the full truth and become envious and feel inadequate. None of these feelings are new feelings to what I’ve been going through the past 6 months honestly, it just feels more intesified. Like, I’m giving those feelings more power. I think we all go through times like this where it all feels like entirely too much when in reality it’s the same battle you’ve been fighting yesterday and the day before.
The hardest part about starting fresh, is battling the expectation that it’s going to be easier. January feels like starting at the bottom of the mountain preparing to climb. All you see is the HUGE possibilities but you also have a lot of debris falling towards you and difficult obstacles keeping you from the mountains’ peak. Starting new isn’t easy. Starting a new year in a new apartment during my first NYC audition season isn’t easy, but I definitely set unattainable expectations that it would all come naturally. There is nothing natural about it. Reading Backstage and Audition Update the night before you have to be up at 4 am to wait outside in the cold to get on a list that may be in the garbage by 9am isn’t natural or easy. I feel like this is a sentiment that I constantly reiterate in my blog posts. That can sometimes seem like the most daunting part of it all but, it isn’t. After waiting to see if I get “typed-in” to be seen or just waiting until all the EMC or Equity Alternates have been seen is a whole other battle at an EPA. The Open Call battle is just the sheer chaos of it all waiting all day knowing that at least you will be seen, but fighting the crazy the whole day. Battling the thoughts in your head during the waiting that say, “Is this part even right for me? Is this song going to even make sense to them? Is this worth missing an entire day of work?” and those aren’t even the COMPARATIVE thoughts you have about other people in the room. When you’ve been sitting in the holding room since 10am and it’s now 4pm and some model-esque creature walks in with their jewel-toned dress and LaDuca heels and their hair and makeup perfectly “movie-star natural”… You’re already attempting to block out the intimidation… but then they flash their Equity card and you hear the monitor say, “…you can go ahead and go next”… And a little part of your soul… dies. It’s silly little things. These little moments happen the entire day of waiting. Moments inside and outside the holding room. You could be getting calls/texts from work about how they really need you in today and you’re thinking… “I’m not in New York to do my day job that’s why I’m at this audition!” All of those things banging around your head for the hours of waiting until finally the monitor stands up and says, “They will not be seeing non-equity today but they are accepting drop-offs.” Or another variation of the phrase. Or on a GOOD day, you’ll hear the monitor say, “Can I have numbers 1-15 on the Non-Equity list line up?” And you feel like YOU’VE MADE IT! But also… a little emotionally drained from the mental battle you had to fight just to be there. How does one go through all that and then walk in the room with the confidence of a lion and sing/dance their face off?
Now, I’m speaking exclusively about my non-equity babies out there who are bustin’ tail. I know the battle is different for everyone and the grass is always greener, blah, blah, blah… I know that I may one day be the “Equity-card-flashing-model” (I mean, hello? How does no one else already see it?) that intimidates others, but I hope we can find a way to make that not the case. Everyone had to start somewhere.
How does it happen? Why do we do it?
As the stakes feel higher because it is 2020 and it’s the “season” and I’m putting the pressure on myself to book SOMETHING. I’ve been thinking about that a lot more. My 2020 word is FEARLESS … But why?
EXTRA: I just felt God tell me that to be fearless, you have to first experience the fear. January has made me feel a little meek. I’ve been scared about not having consistent work, scared about losing friends, scared about not being enough in work, auditions, relationships, you name it… just all of it. I’ve been feeling it very deeply and I’ve been pretty mad at myself for letting those emotions take over me so much. But while writing this blog for the 4th time… I felt God tell me that this feeling is a part of finding it. If I want to really be fearless, I can’t be naive to the fear. I have to actually overcome it and that part is coming. I just thought I’d share that.
I do it because no one can take from me that I’m trying to make my dreams happen. It may not happen. But if I’m all in 100%, then no one can take that power from me. I do it because no one can take from me that I lived in NYC in my 20s. Because when I look back, there are thousands of things that I could do, but this is the one thing right now that makes my heart sing. It’s the thing that makes me feel like I have an important place in this world even if it’s small. Nothing else has made me feel that way. That’s why I let it hurt. I don’t want to be anywhere else, trying anything else until I’ve seen this through.
Now I’m sure a ton of you wanted nothing to do with that little rant, but hey, I DON’T CARE.
Even though I don’t really feel like celebrating this new year… I’m going to list a few things that I should be celebrating so that hopefully, when I’m up for it, I can let myself celebrate and push forward!
— I moved apartments! I’m definitely still settling in but I have more space and I’m loving my new roommates and the location.
— I went to 2 auditions last week and at one of them I was asked to sing 2 songs (I didn’t receive callbacks for either and I honestly that’s what I’ve been focusing on rather than the opportunity, to be completely candid)
–– I took time to fill my entire planner for the rest of the month and start of February so, I feel a little more put together and if you know me, you know that’s serious business!
— I re-did my entire audition book and I’m really happy with it. I feel like it shows a little bit of everything and I have more songs in it than I ever have before
— I performed in a Sondheim cabaret and it went really well! (See my performance here)
— My YouTube channel is growing way faster than I ever anticipated (Subscribe)
— I got a second job that will fit with audition season much better, I think!
— The Bachelor is back and both my roommates watch! (Hallelujah!)
— I making it a priority to DANCE this month.
Here’s to starting the climb!
XOXO,
Jessica Tanner 
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