My Year of Loss and Gain

Originally posted September 1, 2021

It’s been a about a year since I’ve shared a blog. Here’s where I’m at.

A break from blogging this past year was much needed. My blog has always been about me and my experience. Constantly trying to convey my experience in a light that I was comfortable enough to share was hard. I had a lot of feelings I didn’t want to share. Too many changes and disappointments that I didn’t want to post online and paint in a good light. It’s been a year of heartache and healing for me. Loss and gain. Who knew that this past year would give and take so much? Which is HILARIOUS because a year ago I released my YouTube series called, “Nothing to Lose”. Honestly, in making that, I felt more empowered to prune some things out of my life in order to grow new leaves. I lost a lot of friends who I thought would be ride-or-die. Gained a fiancé who wasn’t even on my radar a year ago. Lost a lot of trust and hope in the career path I’ve chosen. Gained a great full-time WFH position under my best friend. I lost touch with a lot of people, because I was getting back in touch with me.

If you had told me a year ago that today I’d be writing this blog with an engagement ring on my left hand, I’d call you crazy! The life I had a year ago has completely changed. Here are a few updates about me. My fiancé, Braden, and I are moving to Austin, TX. A very different move than expected but by the end of this month we will be living in South Austin, working, making music and planning a wedding! In 8 months, I will be a WIFE. Which, if you knew me a year ago… insane. Another thing I’ll be gaining, a HUSBAND!

A year that I never could’ve expected. I’ve gained so much. But I haven’t really posted or shared. I’ve been trying to share a little more but I needed space away from constantly sharing. I needed space from constantly having to justify the things I was doing on social media to make people “get where I’m coming from” and understand me. I can’t make anyone understand me and I needed space from blogging especially because it was starting to feel more like I was trying to make people see me instead of letting people read it and feel seen. I don’t wanna whine about my year. Everyone has a sob story to tell about the past 12 or so months. I’m sharing so that someone else can maybe feel seen.

I know I’m late to the party but, I’m gonna talk about The New York Times article that came out talking about Broadway opening back up. Between 2019 and early 2020, I had lost about 20 pounds of college weight because I was constantly awake and WALKING somewhere in NYC. And it was also expensive to eat so I NEVER over ate. So seeing media mention that it’s going to be hard for actors to get back into shows because they’ve gained weight or even that they’d be undesirable to come back to work because they’ve gained weight was a predictable take, but still hurtful. I knew that’s how people on the outside and even within the industry viewed actors but it was hurtful to see actually written down and published for everyone to see. It’s been a difficult year to stay motivated. To not want to comfort eat and stay in bed and dread the future. I’ve gained 50 pounds this year. I was down to my pre-college weight in March 2020 when I left the city and I was partially proud, but really I still didn’t feel thin enough. I thought I had more work and upkeep to do. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body didn’t feel marketable or loveable even though I was finally back at the weight I’d been wanting to be all through college. Even worse, I felt like my body looked the same! It was still my body. I wanted to be thin, but I really wanted to look like someone else. I wanted the transformation to be into someone else’s body. Someone sexy, beautiful, more successful, more worthy of love! The more I came to terms with that, the less it actually helped me love my body. My self-love was conditional. “As long as I stay like this and keep getting better (ie. thinner, smarter, etc.)!” With the end goal in mind that I WOULD transform into something else. It eventually wouldn’t be me, but something better!

I already had told myself that I was unworthy of love and work because my body didn’t look a certain way, I didn’t need the New York Times to say so too. I already knew that’s what they said in casting rooms behind tables but I didn’t want to see it written down after such a vulnerable year.

This body struggle has been a big shame of mine. I feel very stuck in the middle and unusable in my career. I don’t feel big enough or small enough. I moved to New York to focus on my career only. I was making money to live, socializing enough to not drown and auditioning and performing. I wasn’t dating.

With the loss that 2020 brought, so came the weight gain. Which, made me hate my body more and hate myself for letting me get that way. In all that hate, anger and confusion I somehow found my greatest love. I was crying that I was too fat/not fat enough to book LONG before the pandemic, and now I’ve been permanently booked as a wife! Full-time contract with benefits, baby! Now, the love that I’ve found in Braden hasn’t healed all the wounds, but his love does cover a multitude of my sins. He’s loved me through a lot of anger that I’ve had this year towards myself and my body and made me feel lovable not despite my body but lovable PERIOD. End of story. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of the job. I am worthy of my dreams. I am worthy of it all. Through the heavy loss of the year he has been my number one encourager in all things. He’s helped me dream big and stay grounded.

I think everyone has a story of loss/gain from this year. And maybe even from every season of life. It’s a constant. I’m so thankful that I’ve found someone to ride the wave of loss and gain with. Someone who has shown me so much grace, patience and love. Everyone deserves a Braden.

And gaining that perspective is far more priceless than the ring on my hand.

XOXO,

Texas Jess