Originally posted December 31, 2019
As 2019 comes to a close, I want to recognize all the things that have happened this past year that have brought me to 2020. All the relationships I’ve left behind or built up, all the opportunities I’ve been granted or been rejected from, all the tears and all the jumping for joy has led me to here. What next?
If I go back to January 1st, 2019… I was so hopeful for the year but also so scared for what was in store. I had just been cast as a lead in a musical for my final show in college and I felt like all the hard work had finally paid off but also like an imposter in my own skin. I can also say that on January 1, 2019 that I had no clue that I would be living in NYC and going to auditions for Broadway and Off-Broadway shows at the end of 2019. I still had high hopes and expectations for the Summer Stock Theatre Audition Conferences that I was going to. I was confident that I was finally getting to play a big lead in a show that I was going to have to grow into and I knew that I could go to these conferences and BOOK! I wanted to have a #bookedandblessed summer…
I did NOT book work from any of the audition conferences I went to and I coped with this rejection the only way I knew how to…
Little did I know that a tradition of getting crappy food and a drink post-auditions with Jace had been born in this moment but I’m glad it stuck. It’s one of the things that keeps me sane through all of the unknowing and disappointment.
During the disappointment of not finding a job post-grad, I got to perform a dream role in my final show in college. Violet filled me with so much joy and confidence and I felt very conflicted about the future but enriched in the present. I know not everyone is as lucky as me to feel even in hindsight that their college experience was laid out so perfectly for them, but I am so thankful for how everything played out for me. Not that I was always excited about it in the moment… trust me, I was a whiny baby. But in 2019, I really could see it all come to fruition. All the things I’d whined about prepared me for Violet. Being further away from Violet now I can see how that was such a foundation for where I’m going. Violet felt like a peak of my collegiate career and is now a firm foundation towards my future.
So much joy and discovery has come out of the trials of 2019. I decided to move to New York and if you’re reading this blog, that means you’ve probably been keeping up with that journey so far. It’s been a huge change that has made me far more confident in myself than I thought I could ever be. I wish I had the right words to describe what it’s like to move by yourself to such a huge, electric place and your only dream is to do this big exciting thing that will take years to develop and earn… I just cannot believe that I’m here right now typing this.
I also want to share something a little personal and I don’t really want to explain it too much, but I want to share my vision board that I made the 2nd week I moved to New York. I crossed off everything on the board that I felt like I had manifested to completion this year…
You may have seen my most recent post on Instagram or Facebook about my 2019 Word of Intention… (View it here below) I’ve been doing these for 2 years now and it’s given me an opportunity to put some intention behind my decisions and also a better way to reflect on my year…
For 2020, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want the year to look like. I’ve thought about my strengths and weaknesses and how I need to reframe myself for the new year… the word that really stuck out to me is the word “Fearless”…
Now, I think 2019 was a brave and courageous year for me… I think me making the choice to just move to New York without any guarantees was brave… But I don’t know if I can say that I’ve been fearless. I’ve shown up for auditions and dance classes and I’ve reached out to people and started to create my out network here, but, that’s where it ends. Honestly, I haven’t walked into an audition or dance class with reckless, authentic abandon to be myself and not fear the risk/reward. In 2020, I want to be free from the fear of rejection in an audition room and be fully ME. I want to be free from the fear that the things I share on Instagram, YouTube or my blog won’t be received well if I’m 100% true to myself. I want to be fearless. I want to tear down the wall that keeps me from connecting to others in friendships, auditions and with the world around me. I want to be beyond brave. I want to take a step further and see what happens when I fully invest myself without fear. 2020 will be the year that I am completely me in all that I do with no excuses. To be a little cheesy and full circle, I’ll share some song lyrics from “Hard to Say Goodbye” from the musical Violet that have been laying on my heart in a whole new way now that I think have led me to this word.
“Two kinds of people in this world
Some say yes and some say no
I’m only learnin’ to say yes
I’m bound to make mistakes
But I’m bound to try…
If I was smart I’d go back home
But I don’t give a damn
And I’ll tell you why
I’m miles and miles from who I am
For once I’m not afraid or shy…”
Now for the next cheesy activity on my agenda! Let’s do a quick reflection of 2019… I wrote this list during my commute to work the other day and it’s such a quick and easy reminder that you’ve come so far in 1 year. Even if you don’t make a fancy vision board or find the perfect word that you want to encapsulate in 2020… jot down a quick list of things you’ve gotten to do an accomplish this year. Share the list with others. Let others lift you up and be excited for you, and maybe even remind you a few other awesome things you’ve accomplished this year. Go into 2020, grateful for what 2019 had to offer you and teach you.
In 2019 I…
– Played the title role of a Musical
– Went to 2 audition conferences
– Graduated with a BFA in Musical Theatre with honorsI
– Visited NYC for the first time
– Moved to NYC
– Did many job interviews in very fancy buildings
– Got a job in retail
– Performed a set in a cabaret at Don’t Tell Mama
– Performed in a reading of a new musical
– Took my first dance class in New York!
– Took my first spin class
– Took my first Barry’s Bootcamp
– Have seen 6 Broadway Shows (Waitress; Kiss Me, Kate; Frozen; Aladdin; Beautiful: The Carole King Musical and Come from Away) and 3 Off-Broadway Shows (Broadway Bounty Hunter; The Wrong Man and Scotland, PA)
– Have gone to lots auditions and have been seen at almost half of them
– Have gotten to go backstage after 2 Broadway shows
– Won the lottery to see the hottest ticket of the summer with the Public Theatre’s adaptation of Disney’s Hercules in Central Park
– Hosted Family Thanksgiving in my apartment
– Saw the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
– Have seen 3 IWU alumni perform in the city
– Created a YouTube channel
– Met celebrities on the street and have talked to one on the phone…
– Participated in an Advanced Intermediate level dance class and kept UP!
– Got lots of rejection and even more silence…
– Met people that inspire me to continue to do this every day
Thank you so much to everyone who’s been reading and keeping up with me on here. This blog has been a really integral part to developing who I am in the city. I’ve loved getting to share silly stories and exciting news, as well as the disappointing things because I’ve found so much love and support through this platform. Thank you again! I’d love to hear your Words of Intention for 2020, your lists of 2019 or whatever tradition you uphold to keep you grounded in the new year. Please share in the comments here or on my latest Instagram post!
Also, wanted to share that first up in 2020, on January 14th, I’ll be performing in a Sondeim Cabaret at Don’t Tell Mama! I’m excited to perform there again to kick off my first audition season in NYC and you will definitely be able to find the video on my YouTube as soon as it’s made available…
XOXO,
Texas Jess
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Also, if you haven’t yet, check out my YouTube channel. I’ve got a few fun ideas for videos planned for 2020 that I’d love to share with ya’ll!
XOXO,
Texas Jess
Jessica Tanner 
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