It’s November! I Was Seen at a Broadway call!

Originally posted November 10, 2019

Here’s what you’ve missed since I’ve last updated… I am now 23 years old, I had my NYC performance debut, I had a week long visit from my parents and youngest brother, I got to visit with a mentor from college for a few days, I got to see IWU Alumnus, Sarah Bockel, perform in Beautiful: The Carole King Musical just before closing on Broadway, I had a few existential crises and a few uplifting and empowering moments… Oh, and I finally got seen at my first Broadway call!

A lot has happened since I last posted and I don’t even know where to begin… Life is always a roller-coaster, sometimes it’s slow or fast. Sometimes the highs and lows happen weekly or hourly, but they always happen. They are there to show you where to grow. I’ve found myself crying crazy and not being able to catch my breath just feeling so overwhelmed and then basically getting hit in the face by signs telling me to slow down and be patient.

In my previous blog I whined quite a bit about how I was having trouble with the audition process in NYC but I had a lot to look forward to. I’ve celebrated a birthday since then and spent time with loved ones. I even had my fleeting 10 minutes on a stage in Midtown sharing my heart on stage as my performance DEBUT! Somehow it still didn’t feel like enough. As much as it was a magical night. Afterwards, I had expectations of more from myself.

Isn’t is so strange how we do that? We don’t even let ourselves enjoy the things we do and have because we have already moved on to new and bigger goals??

Okay… the moment. Let’s go back to my performance. Let’s do a play by play. First of all, I had to pee. Like, really bad. I was scared to pee before the performance because I thought I didn’t have enough time (I had plenty of time) so I held it. I told myself to use that holding the pee energy in my performance! How you ask? No idea, it’s just something acting teachers say… to USE IT! Anyway, the moment I stepped on the stage a heavy wash of awareness came over me. My eyes felt like they were tearing up, everything slowed down, the bright lights blinded me from the audience and everything became incredibly quiet. I stepped onto that stage and thought, “Could Jessica 6 months ago even fathom this?” I don’t remember when I started singing. I felt like the words and the notes were coming from my heart. My brain didn’t have to be there with me because I was performing with my soul. I don’t know if I’ve been that present since I left that stage that night.

That’s why I moved to New York City. For moments like that.

In my last blog I talked about my realization to create my own content and opportunities. That was a huge realization for me that’s going to take a while to come to fruition. But I have discovered the burnout that comes from the constant grind and need for more. Creating my own opportunities is just that… my OWN opportunity…

It’s been over 3 months in New York now and I have felt the PRESSURE to PERFORM. I don’t necessarily mean that in a theatre sense, I just mean, the need to be constantly doing something that is going to forward my career in any way. I’ve felt guilty for doing nothing or not enough or even when I’m surrounded by people who make me feel like I’m doing more than them, I second guess if what I’m doing is enough or the right things. At first, I moved here and did an audition within my first month of the move and everyone treated me like I was awesome and “doing it” and making my dreams come true… but what then? What’s the timeline after that? Where am I supposed to be now? How many auditions are ideal? How many agent submissions should I do? Who do I compare myself to? How do I know if it’s right or not?

A billion unhelpful questions that run through my head and keep me running a million miles a minute for no reason because the truth is there is no right or wrong. There is no timeline nor is there anyone to compare myself to. It can feel easier sometimes though to look in a Playbill and see how much older the female actors are compared to their male counterparts and use that as a scapegoat in case it takes me 10 years of hustling. But what does that really prove and who am I trying to prove it to? Am I just trying to forgive myself for not being on Broadway yesterday?

I feel like this blog has just turned into a list of questions that fill my head every day… When I think I’m finding an answer to my disappointment, I get 3 more questions.

“Aha! Answer, DUH! Create your own content, Jessica! Solved! Okay, now what kind of content? Are the ideas you have any good? Is this going to lead anywhere helpful?”
— Jessica McGrew to herself

Where do we GROW from here? I’m trying to ask less questions! So, today I went to the Dear Evan Hansen Female Open Call. I ignored the question in my head that said, “Why?” I ignored the judgments of myself not looking young enough or singing the way they want me to for the show. I ignored the belief that they just weren’t actually looking and it was pointless and I went to the call anyway. It was my first ever open call. Which means that I stood outside in the 40 degree weather on a disgusting street for 3 hours to get a number that proved that they were gonna hear me sing 16 bars and nothing else! WOOHOO! I was doing it. I stood in line reminding myself that I was grateful for the opportunity while surrounded by actual high schoolers and their parents bundling them up in blankets and bringing them Starbucks. I was jealous and insecure so… I called my mom (who graciously answered and listened to me blabber at 5:30am her time) and in-between making fun of myself for being at the call, I also inserted why I was grateful for the chance to do it. All the while, my toes were freezing and are still thawing out as I’m typing this.

I was number 98 and I was seen around 11:15am. I was home by noon and immediately preheated the oven for the cookies I planned to bake myself if I made it out alive…. there are worse coping mechanisms than cookies…

Once I got my number at 9am, we were allowed to leave and come back. I knew I’d be seen within the second hour of the audition but I needed to get some space. Between the bossy 16 year-olds acting like they were Sharpay Evans and these were East High auditions for the Spring Musicale and not BROADWAY and Suzie’s mom and dad asking if they could leave before she had to do her 14-bars… I needed some space to ground myself and decompress my mind. I found a quiet table to bring my mind back and eat an overpriced cinnamon raisin bagel. Then I gave a very assured and grounded performance for a disinterested casting director. I did it. I will celebrate that!

What I learned today. Wear thicker socks. My toes were reallly the most unbearable part of the waiting game. SO COLD, And when the real audition starts in January, it’ll be even colder. It’s IMPERATIVE to block out the noise. It’s very difficult to go in with grace and gratitude and show off your sparkle when Suzie and her parents’ baggage are weighing on you. I found space for myself to be grounded today, but I definitely need to take preventative measures to be sure that I don’t let anyone take that away from me. And lastly, I learned that I MUST have fun. Find joy and make it fun! The journey is the majority of the process, if that isn’t fun then the outcome won’t be either.

Things to slow down and be grateful for. My blog. It’s kept me grounded and it’s reached places and connected me to people that I never expected to connect with and that’s exciting. Finding my own voice. I’m finding my own voice at rates exponential compared to any other time in my life and that’s because of where I am right now. Friends and family that are excited and supportive of me. I take that one so for granted. I get so caught up in the need to hustle that I don’t see how no one else has placed expectations on me except for me.

I’m reading an awesome book that a friend gave me called, “Super Attractor” by Gabrielle Berstein and it’s wonderful and everything resonates with me in a different way but this one thing REALLY made me think about the way I’d been treating my hustle. She asks, “Do you ever feel as though once you achieve a goal, you immediately have to move on to the next one? Not feeling complete in the moment of achievement, do you keep reaching toward the next goal? The need-more mentality is a[nother] form of lack. It suggests that you may be looking for something outside of yourself to feel complete rather than trusting in your completeness now.” I had to read this twice. I’ve done that so often lately. I’ve skipped the celebration and gone right onto the “What’s next?” As though whatever I do isn’t big enough to satisfy me and rather than having a joyous hunger… it’s an unsatisfied pit. Searching and longing instead of fully experiencing all that is with me.

I don’t want to spend my time in New York, hustling and grinding and burning out for fleeting moments of joy. There are 2 ways I could go with this. I could take this and say then it’s not worth it and go find something else to do… or I could choose joy always. The truth is, there is nothing else for me. And I mean that in the most positive of ways! I want to be really, really good at what I do. I want to live my life as an artist. Constantly creating and being a part of projects that fill my soul and give me butterflies so that those fleeting moments fill my life. I know this is pretty idealistic but I know that’s what I want and it’s worth it because I fill the journey with joy and value!

XOXO,

Texas Jess