February Update – So What Happened?

Originally posted February 20, 2020

Now that the sun has finally decided to begin to reveal itself, I’m starting to feel a little more optimistic than usual. Last blog, I wrote about being excited for the time away with family, and to meet friends and get some auditions in…

Being away for the few short days actually made it very difficult to be back in NYC. I was coming back to a place that I honestly wasn’t excited to be back in. The audition at UPTAs went pretty much as I expected. I went in with high standards for what kind of work I wanted and a clear-cut audition package. I got one callback that asked me to sing a cut for them and is a bit of a lead and another company kept my resume but, it went about as I expected. I’m proud of my 1 callback which is actually a huge point of growth for me because the same time last year, I had 5 callbacks and I was so upset that I didn’t get more that I got into my head the entire evening of callbacks. This year, I got my one callback and stayed focused, tried not to freak out when the girls in front of me in the callback room riff-ed their faces off and then had to go in next. Last year, none of my callbacks actually wanted me to perform for them or even with their companies, but this year I did get called back for an actual role in a season, so things went BETTER one could say.

I did still feel very drained at the end of the day. The audition felt like a job and not like something that brought me joy, which was different from last year. (Which feeling like a job when it’s my chosen career path, isn’t the worst thing in the world…) Last year I had fun and felt confident, this year I was technical and uninspired…

At the end of the day, when all the companies go down to the hotel bar to “network”, they all mostly talked to each other. The companies gossiped to each other about who they saw and who they liked. And all the tall, generally handsome men stand around a table of friends telling them how they are, “Soooo tired from SOOO many callbacks” that they got from the same companies that call them back every year but don’t give my girlfriends the time of day. It gets tiring. Tale as old as time. This is not news to anyone. But I still be tired.

It was really nice to see friends and family. That part met and possibly exceeded my expectations. I think that how refreshing seeing family and friends was made it the hardest to come back to an even BIGGER city that was basically this audition on a WAY bigger scale. Like X 1000. I haven’t gotten to audition in the city since that weekend. I tried to go to a few open calls but I was left unhappy and uninspired after UPTA. There were lines for a cattle call audition 2 days after UPTA that I was going to attempt to attend that had a line of over 200 people before 6am… EXHAUSTING!

My February trip to Memphis was the thing that kept me going through January. I didn’t know the next time I’d get to see my family from Texas but I knew I was going to get to at least see friends and family in Tennessee. I didn’t really have anything after that to be excited about. So, I signed up for 2 agent workshops at Actors Connection and signed up for a Kappa Delta Alumni in NYC Book Club. Two very different things but both things to either be scared or excited about.

The day of the first workshop came and I received a phone call while I was in the shower about to get ready for the workshop. I checked my phone and I have a voice mail from Actors Connection saying that the workshop had been cancelled and they put the class credit back onto my account… No other explanation… So, I called back and I still got no other information and had a moment of fear when the workshop still showed up on their website as having 1 more spot available… The thought rushed through my head that it MUST ONLY BE a personal reason. It’s because they hate me right? After about 5 minutes of illogical thinking, the class disappeared from the webpage and that eased my mind. This was 3 days after UPTAs which from my timeline here, is one day after missing out on that open call audition because over 200 people were in line at 6am… So, you could say… discouraging?

But, I have another agent workshop TOMORROW so, prayers that it doesn’t get cancelled AND, I did get to enjoy a Kappa Delta Alumni Book Club!

Admitingly, I never purchased the book. It stayed in my Amazon cart up until the day before and I finally just did what got me through college… I read every summary and review online. I even took a few online quizzes about the book to test my knowledge to be ready to not make a fool of myself when I’m just trying to make some friends! I will say, I contributed wonderfully to the conversation and helped myself to delicious wine and snacks. It was really nice to make some connections with girls. I think I kept myself from purchasing the book so that I could have a way out of going. It’s scary to meet new people! What if it was all weird people or what if they didn’t like me? But, by golly, I showed up with nothing but the knowledge of an online quiz and a “oops we baked too much” loaf cake from the Penn Station K-Mart… yep, that’s right. And even though I felt foolish, I fought through it and it was worth it.

(I think that’s the part of being fearless that I’ve been practicing this month. Even when I feel foolish, knowing that it’s worth it. Meaningful friendships are on the other side of the fear of being disliked!)

While I was in Tennessee I thought of things I could do outside of New York to maybe inspire me or get me closer to family. The truth is, there are SO many things I can do and I’ve only discovered a very small bit of things that I can do that I love and create a life that I love. But, it’s very true when they say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere.

I recently had a phone call with a friend where I was discussing all these things I was feeling and she kept asking, “Are you gonna stay there? Do you think you’re going to stay in New York?” And honestly, I have no idea. But, I am so incredibly glad that I came when I did. I can’t imagine feeling this way, not being #booked and living in Texas, or Illinois… I never would have made it to New York. I would have chosen a new dream! Now I know that NYC is never going away and I can handle it! If I ever were to leave. I could easily come back. I think space from the city isn’t a terrible idea. I might miss it more if I had a little space. But I definitely know I can handle it because of the amazing support system that got me here in God’s perfect timing. Even though all I wanted was a summer contract, the move to a city that felt far too big for me was just the confidence boost I needed as a young, single adult to see that I can take on the world.

P.S.– I’m seeing Jace perform some sad lyrical baritone songs in a cabaret tonight and I’m ready to make a fool of myself there by sobbing through it all. Will that type of foolishness be worth it? Find out next time.

XOXO,

Texas Jess