Originally posted September 24, 2019
I would consider myself an academic. A scholar, if you will. I love learning and I always loved school. I found most of my value in how well I was doing in school and I got pretty good at knowing how to do school! Even when I knew that I wanted to be a performer and do Musical Theatre… I knew I wanted to get a college degree in the field. I wanted to be an artist the scholarly way. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I’m in a city full of artists who have become artists by many different means. Believe it or not, traditional “school” is not the only way to become a professional artist. Honestly, I was shocked even though this is absolutely common knowledge. Personally, I spend a lot of time overthinking the rules of the industry and the do’s and don’ts that I’ve written down in many notebooks to try to convince myself that the more knowledge I have, the more successful I will be… Knowledge may be power, but it isn’t directly correlated to career success.
I haven’t gotten to sing very much while being in the city (which is sort of silly, since it’s one of the things that I came to the city to do) and honestly there are only 2 songs in my Repertoire Book that I actually LOVE and want to sing if/when asked to. That’s definitely because I’ve spend so much time trying to “academically” pick the “correct” material for myself that I didn’t really pick material that makes me feel *magical* when I sing. I have 2 songs that do that for me. One is “I’m Not Waiting” by Andrew Lippa and the other is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley… I know, what a strange pair… But, there is something about those songs that when paired with an accompanist and performing for others, they just click with my heart and soul!
I just had a pre-screening audition last week for the All-In-One Theatre Conference in January and I needed 2 contrasting songs! So… I pulled out all my rep and my list of do’s and don’ts and tried to find my best fun, contemporary musical theatre song for a 32-bar uptempo and my best golden-age ballad for a 16-bar and then I realized… If I followed those “rules”, I would be singing songs I don’t like. All that was required of me was 2 contrasting pieces. I was adding the other rules to the equation. A musical theatre stand-alone song and an early 2000’s R&B Pop song are DEFINITELY contrasting pieces. So, why not sing what I love? Once I made that decision, I was excited for the audition. They were songs I could sing on any day, with any pianist, in any key (YOU BETCHA!) and I felt more confident than if I’d followed the rules I made up.
I can’t say my time in the room went perfectly. I definitely took some tempos too slow (Classic Jess Move) and my bracelet came undone as I was starting a song and I had to fix it while I started singing or it would’ve fallen off… BUT, when I walked into the room and the panel asked me what I was singing, their faces lit up and a man behind the table said, “Great song choices!” Which furthered my confidence in my non-traditional choices even more. It was a fun atmosphere and I know it wouldn’t have been if I’d tried to play by the rules like the over-academic I am.
New RULE note to self: Only sing songs YOU LOVE! Don’t love it? Don’t sing it!
This audition may have been last week, but I had a weird distorted dream about a possible alternate ending to this audition… In this dream, it was the same pre-screening audition except it was in my kitchen in Texas and my parents were there and the adjudicators were old and mean and I have no idea who they were other than perhaps the embodiment of my ego.(?) Anyway, I sang my songs, “I’m Not Waiting” and “Crazy”, and the little old man adjudicator (who was sitting at my kitchen table in Texas) scowls and says, “You didn’t even sing a REAL ballad! I just don’t understand your choices or see how they were helpful to me. NEXT!” And in this already bizzare dream… I fought back. I gave an award-winning monologue about how he made preconceived assumptions about me as an artist because of my choices and he would be sorry for passing up on me because I was far better than he was giving me credit for. (I don’t know who I was in this dream, because I would’ve been sobbing through this monologue if it were real life, but I was poised and powerful… I wanna be her.) It was crazy and passionate and the dream ended with both adjudicators hugging me as I started crying saying, “I just had to stand up for myself.” Then I woke up. WEIRD, RIGHT?! It wasn’t a stress dream, because the audition happened a week ago but I’ve been trying to figure out what this dream MEANS and I think I’m finally understanding the AHA! behind it all.
The reason I feel like I must follow the rules is because I am afraid that if I stray from the scholarly path that I will be accused of being an undeserving artist. That I must not KNOW enough. I am a talented artist AND a smart artist and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me. Right now, I’m my only advocate to attest to the kind of artist I am and that’s a scary place to be. I’m a fresh face in a HUGE city that doesn’t know who I am. How do I make them care? I think it was a passion dream. My heart longs to be seen fully as an artist and for someone to be an advocate for me, but according to my dream… I could be a pretty kick-ass self-advocate!
I was talking with another artist friend just the other day about how I feel like the role of my lifetime hasn’t been written yet, but I still believe there is a place for me in the theatre today. I got a little vulnerable and shared with them how I feel really discouraged to go to certain auditions and open calls because there are so many things that have been commercialized due to the business side of it all, that I don’t feel like I fit. I’m YOUNG, I’m 22, but I definitely don’t look like a high-schooler. (like the late 20s/30-somethings playing all the roles in Mean Girls) And I also don’t look old enough to play a 20-30 year old in a show because those roles are usually leads and those roles are saved for youthful-looking 40 year-old Broadway veterans. I’m not stick skinny, but I’m not curvy enough for the “curvy girl” roles… Which is an entire other issue with the industry. There are more than 2 body types. And honestly, my voice doesn’t really sound like what anyone else’s sounds like on Broadway, which is a blessing and a curse. I don’t say all this to throw a pity party or say that the industry must change to fit me into it, because it can’t and won’t. I say all this because these are all feelings I have that are from my ego or “the mean, old man adjudicator” from my dreams. These 3 things about myself are things that I cannot change and make me, ME! I was surprised that when I shared this with a friend, they responded with having similar thoughts and feelings. It’s crazy how we as academics can let the “rules” make us feel as though we aren’t enough. Because that’s what’s really happening. I’m letting my power of knowledge team up with my ego to tell me that it’s stupid to think that there is room for me in the business and that is simply not the truth.
My deepest fear about starting a career in theatre is linked to this question… “What if I am the absolute BEST at what I do, but none of it matters because I look and sound like this?”
Things that are beyond my control cannot be what holds me back from being my own advocate.
I’m IMMENSELY grateful for my schooling and knowledge. I’m so happy that my route was through academia and I believe that was the exact and perfect option for me. I just need to put the ego to rest and not use my own knowledge against myself!
Also, in my last blog I mentioned how GOOD it feels to SING! And I was listening to an old Super Soul Sunday podcast with Brene Brown and she said, “Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame.” And I realized THAT’S WHY IT FELT SO GOOD TO SING!! THAT’S HOW I GET IN CHECK WITH MY EGO!!! The more I hide my side as an artist, the more ashamed I become and I start to believe my ego who says, “It’s too hard, it’s not for you, don’t waste your time.”
Looks like I’m going to have to start singing more… and maybe that means I need to find more than 2 songs. To all my other artist friends out there, don’t mistake your ego for “knowledge about the industry”. You are enough and there is a place for you. You are the only advocate you need. Keep singing.
XOXO,
Texas Jess
P.S. — If you’re going to be in NYC October 22nd and you’d like to see me perform, click HERE to reserve your seats at Don’t Tell Mama to hear me sing and tell a few stories! Or check my “Upcoming” page for more information and to also find the link to reserve your seats.
Jessica Tanner 
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